An Open Letter To Bret & Jemaine...

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A couple of months back the website team heard that Kiwi funnymen Bret and Jemaine of Flight of the Conchords fame were to be playing some dates in the UK, at Wembley no less! Cue feverish activity at Rokit HQ: eyes shining and cheeks rosy with excitement, we dropped them an email, inviting them to visit us and marvel at our plethora of animal sweaters, leather suits, dungarees and natty beige slacks. We even included this delightful set of cut-out-and-dress-up Bret and Jemaine dolls (feel free to print off your own copy) flanked by a selection of our most Conchord-worthy merchandise to tempt them. Alas: as yet, we have received no reply.

Here, published in full for the first time, is a touching and heartfelt open letter (more of a poem really) to the duo, asking, "Why did you ignore us, boys?"

Flight of the Conchords: you shattered our dreams,

we loved your songs, their rhymes, their themes,

probably more than that Mel character who always crops up in your show,

y'know, we just appreciated your rhyd'm an' flo...

Oh Bret and Jemaine, how could you be so cruel?

Were you worried about the consumption of fuel

involved in visiting our North London warehouse?

(it is a pressing ecological issue, granted, but you had just flown over from NZ, and we'd have thought: in for a penny, in for a pound...)

Jemaine, was it that we came on too strong,

With our lovingly recreated cut-out version of you in a skimpy thong?

(FYI thongs are woefully inadequate underpants in the UK, not flip flops as you antipodeans seem to think)

Or maybe it was Murray who got upset,

seeing as we only worked our Photoshop magic on Jemaine and Bret;

and vetoed the whole thing in favour of a trip around London's band rotundas...

Whatever the story, the deal's the same:

Just remember, you have only yourselves to blame -

that we'll never get to tear your clothes off on the photocopier.

Your loss.

Judges for the T.S.Eliot Poetry Prize: we'll assume our cheque is in the post...